


always with the ghosts of us in tow

by abaisse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: ????????, ?????????????????? iDK WHAT ELSE TO TELL U mAN, Angst, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Feelings, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor fluff???, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, hurt but only some comfort, i think i need a hug too idk, idk what else to tag this as sdkjnsd the point is this is very sad ok, the fact that minor fluff isnt even a tag skdjnskds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:01:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28834551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abaisse/pseuds/abaisse
Summary: Steve's head hurts. There’s a ringing in his ears that he can’t shake, a painful mantra reminding him over and over: life is cruel.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 21





	always with the ghosts of us in tow

**Author's Note:**

> idk why i did this ajkdnakd i literally had some ppl review this and the first thing one of them said was "are u ok??" JADNKJADkasdn
> 
> anyway thank you to mio and yna for the beta, ina and gelvi for reviewing, and this dumb franchise for making me feel things about a movie that came out almost ten years ago and continues to haunt me daily
> 
> title is from the song ‘ghost’ by lianne la havas

The thing about growing up with Steve Rogers, Bucky thinks, is that Bucky's developed a sixth sense dedicated entirely to Steve. Bucky always has a bad feeling some time in the day, knowing full well that he’s probably gonna get a call at home (God forbid it happens at his _work_ ) about Steve winding up in some hospital because of his asthma--or worse, at the police station again for punching some brute or other.

(He complains like he minds these calls, but he really doesn’t. Knowing that Steve lands the first hit makes the impromptu police station visits worth it. If it wasn’t for his tiny body, Bucky swears on his ma’s casserole that Steve would probably be a street defender or some shit.)

But today’s feeling is worse. Bucky needs to get to Steve. Something’s not right, he can feel it in the… in the air or something. It’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever thought—and he’s thought a lot of ridiculous things—but it also feels serious.

As soon as the whistle blows at five pm, Bucky clocks out and runs across town to Steve’s place. It would normally be a twenty minute walk, but something in him really made him feel like he didn’t have that kinda time today. When he reaches Steve’s door, he doesn’t even stop to catch his own breath. He just knocks incessantly.

“Bucky, hey,” Steve says at the door. “What are you doing here?”

He hopes to God or whoever that his gut is wrong for once.

“I, uh. Is it weird that I had a feeling that I should come over?” Bucky says.

“No I... I l’m glad you’re here.” He steps aside to let Bucky through, and the other man follows. “I mean, I was actually gonna try and call your place after work, ask if you wanted to come by.”

“Oh? How come?”

Bucky notices then that Steve’s eyes are swollen, his cheeks red. His hair is a mess, like he’d been running his hands all over it. For a second he thinks that Steve might have had another asthma attack. But if he did, he wouldn’t have been able to even answer the door just now.

“You want somethin’ to drink? I think I still have some of that cheap gin from last time…” Steve says and crouches into his lower cabinet to try and fish for the bottle. His voice sounds distant and empty, and it makes Bucky’s stomach lurch.

“Steve,” Bucky tries, but the other man ignores him, just starts listing off what other drinks or food stuffs he has in their tiny cupboard. Bucky kneels next to him on the floor and grabs him by the shoulder. “Steve,” he says again, firmly. “I’m not horsin’ around, I don’t want a drink.” Steve looks surprised at first and blinks; Bucky doesn’t miss the way his eyes are starting to brim with tears. “Hey, hey. I’m sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice,” Bucky says. He lets go and watches Steve move away to sit down on the floor.

“No, it’s okay. It’s not you, Buck,” Steve says. He looks away, back into the darkness of the cabinet.

“So what’s this about? What’s wrong, pal?”

At that Steve tenses, and the air grows thick between them. Bucky worries that he has crossed a line and Steve is gonna ask him to leave.

When Steve speaks up again, his voice is the most exhausted and defeated Bucky’s ever heard it. “It’s— it’s my ma, Buck. Somebody from the hospital came by and said that ma… that she...”

Steve crumples up into himself then, smaller than he’s ever been; his shoulders have started to shake, and he’s still not looking at Bucky.

Bucky instinctively moves to wrap himself around Steve’s body, pulling him into an embrace. As soon as his arms envelope him, Steve eases out a deep exhale before breaking out into sobs. It’s the worst sound Bucky has ever heard in his life.

“Let it out, Stevie. It’s okay,” Bucky says, but he can barely hear himself. He’s in his own state of shock from the news—he never thought he’d have to imagine a life without Sarah—but even more so at Steve’s heaving body in his arms.

“Why is this life so cruel,” Steve sobs, voice muffled against Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky worries that if Steve cries any harder he’ll trigger his own asthma attack. And then he worries that that’s just what Steve is trying to do. He thinks he should try to get Steve to calm down, even just a bit, to try and soothe him more; but he doesn’t have the words. He lets Steve cry and doesn’t let go.

-

Steve makes all the funeral arrangements alone, without Bucky. He knows that it’s gonna get him a real talking to from the other man later, but it’s fine. He didn’t mean any offense or anything, he just doesn’t want to deal with anyone.

At mass he doesn’t even find it in himself to cry anymore. Bucky and his family sit by him, and it’s good to see them, but all he can think about is how much he just wants this to be over already so he can go home.

The burial goes by quickly and Father O’Donnelly gives the final blessing as Sarah is laid to rest, right next to her husband. Afterwards, Father blesses Steve, resting his big hand on Steve’s head like he used to when Steve was much smaller; Steve figures he hasn’t really grown much since then anyway, so it’s probably not much of a difference to the priest. He gives Steve a blessing for his health, for work, for the rest of this life that he has to live out alone.

Steve thinks about asking the good Father why his life has turned out this way, even if Steve’s been good for this long. Could he ask God how to make it better?

He finds that he doesn’t care enough to muster up the words, feeling stupid for even thinking those things, and thanks the priest instead before turning to walk towards the city. He can hear Father call after him but he doesn’t turn back.

His head hurts. There’s a ringing in his ears that he can’t shake, a painful mantra reminding him over and over: life is cruel.

-

As soon as he walks up to his building’s clearing, he sees Bucky’s family car parked up front, with the man himself leaning on the side of it. Steve sighs and walks past the entrance quickly, walks straight up the steps to his door. He knows Bucky is trailing behind him.

”We looked for you, after,” Bucky says. “My folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery.”

Steve feels himself cave, like he always does for Bucky, despite his indignation. His shoulders sag as he replies, “I know, I’m sorry. I just… kinda wanted to be alone.”

Bucky starts, “Well, I was gonna ask—”

“I know what you’re gonna say, Buck,” Steve interrupts, and huffs when he can’t find his own damn keys in his own damn pockets. Behind him Bucky goes on with his suggestion, telling Steve they can put couch cushions together on the floor, like they used to when they were kids, and Steve has to will himself not to roll his eyes then. How could he suggest such a thing at a time like this? He just said he wants to be alone, and Bucky is trying to plan some kinda _sleepover_ _—_

He thinks he should tell Bucky as much, tell him to scram for the day, but when he turns back he finds Bucky standing there with the extra apartment key in his hand. He’s smiling, honestly, the way he does for Steve all the time, the way he does when he wants Steve to know he has love in his life.

Steve tries to return the smile and takes the key. “Thank you, Buck,” he says, all traces of annoyance already gone. “But I can get by on my own.”

At that, it’s Bucky who rolls his eyes instead, and for a second, Steve regrets even trying to be nice. Bucky sighs deeply and looks back at Steve. He looks annoyed but Steve knows he isn’t, not really. If he didn’t feel so exhausted he’d probably make some quip or other about how Bucky doesn’t have to mother him so much just because he’s lost his actual mother—

“The thing is… you don’t have to,” Bucky says, interrupting Steve’s thoughts. He reaches over and grips Steve by the shoulder, an action that’s gentle but grounding all at once. He says, “I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal,” and Steve knows exactly what that means.

It means: you aren’t alone, despite it all.

It means: I’ll always take care of you.

It means: it’s us against the world.

It means: I love you the most.

Steve smiles at Bucky. The ringing in his ears has stopped. Maybe life won’t be that bad. He’ll cry for his ma, for his dad, every day for the rest of his stupid, sickly life, but he remembers now that he won’t have to do any of it by himself. He’s so heartbroken by the loss, but he realizes in that moment that he isn’t lonely.

Bucky’s eyes are steady and honest, hopeful and warm and reassuring. Steve wonders if Father O’Donnelly or God or anyone up there knew that the answers to all of life’s stupid problems were in the eyes of one James Buchanan Barnes. Steve wants to cry, to kiss him, to even just reach and hold his hand; but he can’t do any of those things, not out here on the patio. He invites Bucky inside instead.

***

Seventy years later, on a helicarrier floating above Washington DC, Steve hangs off the edge. His vision is getting blurry; his one eye is probably blown out from the Winter Soldier’s punches. He can’t feel his legs. All he tastes is blood.

“You’re my mission,” the Winter Soldier had said, just moments before. The gruffness of his voice still echoes in Steve’s mind, no matter how much he can feel himself go in and out of consciousness. His head hurts. There’s a ringing in his ears that he hasn’t had to deal with for decades. Steve knows it’s not just from the punches.

“Finish it,” he finally manages. Not a dare, but a plea: end this already, for us both.

He decides then, if this is the end, at least he can leave Bucky with the truth: “I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.”

It means: do what you have to do to survive, even if I won’t.

It means: I’m sorry, I should’ve looked harder for you.

It means: I didn’t forget about you.

It means: I’m yours, heart and soul and body and blood and skin and bones; through time and space.

It means: I’ll always love you the most.

Bucky—he knows it’s Bucky, can manage to see it in this man’s eyes, even if they’re devoid of hope and honesty and warmth—blinks. His grip on the front of Steve’s uniform loosens.

There’s a loud creaking noise from below them, and Steve closes his eyes. He knows he’s going to be the one to fall this time. It’s not a snowy mountain in Germany, but it should be enough; they’re finally even. He’d laugh if he could, try and let Bucky in on the joke too.

When he hits the water, he doesn’t even try to swim.

Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be, here in the future: that only one of them can exist at a time, alone and wandering, never to be together again.

Life is so cruel.

**Author's Note:**

> rt if u creyd
> 
> im on [twitter!](http://twitter.com/wintertsundere) lets be friends and cry about steve rogers together!!!


End file.
